Jackie, Postcard Transcript

 Jackie, Postcard Transcript 

[Sound of stick on fence slats] 

Jackie: That's my life. I'm going to be here today, gone tomorrow. So whatever it is you say, you better say it fast. (laughter) 

Researcher: Right. 

[Music] 

Jackie: I'm 85. When I want to scare people, I say, "Oh no, I'm 185." (Laughter) And, uh... [Music stops] I don't think I'll live until I'm 200, that's for sure. There are a lot of silences. I get very nervous when there's silence. I get very agitated. "Somebody say something!" I'm expecting the worst. I'm expecting the worst. And, uh, if it doesn't happen for a long time, I go for an inspection tour. Where is everybody? What are you doing?  

Researcher: Right.  

Jackie: And I had first thought that I was going to use the technique that they use here for people who don't want to live anymore. [Music] I thought, well, I may as well die. I'm not afraid of dying, but I was not able to because the doctors refused to do me. So... He said, "I can't do this." (Laugh) It's not supposed to be easy, buddy. It's supposed to be hard. Anyway, it was not meant to be.  

Researcher: Yeah. 

Jackie: And so I, I have to live the best I can. Without fear. Without fear, because it could happen anytime. Fear doesn't work. Fear doesn't work, uh, in these cases when it's total fear.  

[Ominous music] I know when I was recovering from my injuries, they just fed me lots of, uh, medication and I started to react to the medication. And I started getting illusions and delusions and I started, um, hearing things. This room! It was overrun with people I didn't know. They were trying on all my lingerie. [Noises of people talking] They sounded like they were having fun. Like everything was fun. "Ahaha, look at her." [Squealing of car] Once in a while, there'd be a big interruption of the whole scenario, and they'd say, "We're coming in to change the diaper. We're coming to change the diaper." And they all looked like football players, clumsy guys, but they were like dancing tippy toe. [Xylophone sound] It didn't make sense. And I was getting very agitated, very agitated. Then something came over me. I had to take charge. And what I did was, uh, I said, "Okay, that's enough. Sit down, lie down, do something, but don't talk. We, we, we will get through this. But we'll do it tomorrow because today we have to sleep." And they stopped. They actually stopped. So I felt reassured that I was in control again. Weird.  

[Music] What keeps me really sane is, uh, music. Music and, uh, especially opera and Nana Mouskouri, she has, uh, the power to sing like an angel and that soothes me. There's a song that, uh, I found it on a, uh, a cassette and I can't find it again. But it was like her voice smashing against the ceiling with like 1000 real crystal, um, glasses and then falling to the ground. And it is just spectacular. Can I find it? No, I can't find it again. Darn it. But if I keep listening, I'll find it. [Sound of glass cracking and shattering. Opera singing] That makes you weep. Makes me weep. [Applause] And the vulnerability is in her voice. Was in her voice. You can't lie like that.  

[Typing sounds] I always tried to write true things. If there was hope, there was lots of hope. If there was no hope, I would put the no hope there. One, uh, one of the, uh, secretaries, she's a nurse as well, out of the blue, she said, "Would you like to have a corner just for yourself?" I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Oh, just to write anything you want." I said, "I'd love to. I'd love to." I thought about it and I thought, "I'm a writer. I am a writer, la la la la la." (Laughter) Do you know how proud I was at that moment? [Music] It was like nothing would take me away from that. I never thought I'd accomplish it. Since I've been 12 years old, I've been writing. And it's getting better and better and better.  

Fear is deadly. Fear is deadly. Don't ever be afraid. And sometimes fake it. Because above everything, I like peace. Don't you? 

[Bird chirping and harmonica music] 

Location: Toronto, ON, Canada

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